I had this interesting conversation with a friend of mine this morning.
“Naja. We can not all agree with the things you do. We can not all support you, all the time. Especially not with the things you have going on lately”, he said.
(This came as a comment in our conversation: We were talking about this post I made on Facebook in which I had expressed my frustration and pain in the lack of support I feel from the world at times.)
“Off course not” I said “We can not all agree with each other. We all have our own reality to live in. We all have our own ideas about our world. We can not feel that what each other is doing or thinking all the time: is what we would have done or like to think ourselves. Because we are different. We are not them. But we can still support! We should always be able to support each other.”
My friend did not agree with me.
“But what if you make a big mistake? What if you are about to do something bad? What if I can see that what you are doing is wrong? I can not support that!”
But how does anyone know that we are making a mistake? If I am making a mistake?
What is the definition of a mistake? Your idea of a mistake fx might be completely different from mine.
How does anyone know what we are doing to ourselves in own life is wrong?
Nobody – But ourselves!
To assume that you “have to help someone doing what you think is the right thing” is just pure wrong in my opinion. By helping each other using this mentality, we are very much saying: “I know what is best for you. I am the right one in here”.
But how can we ever be the right one when it comes to another human beings mind?
What I have started noticing when it comes to my own life is that this way of helping each other very often turn into the opposite: Being damaging to the people we love – that we end up doing anything else but supporting each other.
Let me take this example:
When I first started travelling, my mother and my best friend at that time thought it was a great idea for me to go see the world for a bit. “Take a little vacation!” they said.
But when they noticed that my travelling became more than just a vacation to me, that I was wishing to change and do things in a different way, their attitude towards me changed as well.
My mother fx would go on and on: “ I think you should really come back now. What about looking into a study? I have found this education for you.. I think you should end this trip now! How are you going to support yourself? Naja, you need to be realistic”
The only thing I kept telling her was: “Mom, I got this. I have everything under control, I know what I am during. I don’t want to come back. I know now in which direction I need to go. I am happy.”
But I felt like she never was able to listened to this. No matter how many times I told her I was happier than ever before, it never seemed to be enough.
I love my mother. And I know she loves me. It was very obvious to me that she wanted to help me and support me. But why was she not raising her hand in the air shouting: “Yes awesome Naja! Keep going.”?
I think everyone has the right to speak their mind. Raise their opinion.
To friends. To the world. To anybody.
Honesty is beautiful. I support anyone who wants to let others know how they feel about a crazy idea or something they sees as being a wrong action – in the end we are a reflection of each other and sometimes we need a mirror.
But there is a big difference in raising your voice – and forcing someone with your words.
On the same time my mother started calling me, I started receiving letters from a girl who used to be my closest friend.
The letters were always very long, well written – and super hurting.
“You have changed.” She said “I do not know who you are anymore. Why are you doing what you are doing? I do not understand you. You are a different person”
All I wanted to tell her – which I kept telling her over and over again was:
“ But do you not see? I am still the same person. I am still me! I have not change to a different person. I have change to me. I have found all this happiness. Do you see it? You know how much pain I was in before – right? – Do you not think it is wonderful for me that I have found something that makes me so happy ?”
This was properly one of the hardest times for me. But also what ended up making me stay strong when it comes to others opinion about me.
Knowing that I deep inside knew that what I was doing was the right thing to do. But no one around me seemed to understand. – or not even understand me: But they were all trying to pull me back. Going against me. Not supporting me.
I was very confused about what to do and feel.
Maybe they knew the best? After all, this was the 2 humans who was to suppose to know me the best.
“Maybe I should just turn around here” I thought.
One night I had enough.
This one week I had have my mother calling me over and over. “I do not support this- It is wrong what you are doing. Come back!”
I was sitting at a bar drinking a drink when I got another letter from my friend. Again the same: “ I do not know you, I do not like what you are doing..”
I was hurt beyond words. The people who were suppose to love me.. I was so tired of constantly finding myself in this limbo world. Trying to convince my world that what I wanted to do was good enough?
I warned both of them: My mother and my friend.
I told them: “If you do not start to keep your thoughts to yourself about the things I do and start supporting me being happy, I will have to cut this contact. I can not have you in my life anymore.”
And so it ended. I deleted my friend on Facebook (after I received another long letter) and my mother as well. ( We always manage to find each other again somehow)
Something I do not understand
I understand the fact that we can not always think that what each other is doing is what we would have like to do ourselves. Off course not, because we are different.
But why do we keep doing this to each other?
Using our willingness to help and to support each other
– all these emotions and things that really all comes out of good intentions – to do the opposite?
It is almost like we are preventing each other from growing.
“No you can not do that.. I think what you are doing is wrong..”
How do you know??
I told my friend this, this morning:
“I have so many different friends in my life. Hippies, artists, students, rich business guys and vagabonds.
They are all extremely different – and live their life in a very different way – different age – look differently. Do I agree with all of them? Do I think that what all of them are doing is something I would like to do myself?
No! Certainly not. Otherwise I would probably have done it already – or I would be trying to do so.
But does that matter? Does it matter if I agree with their opinions?
If they are doing what they are doing to make themselves happy? Why do I have to think I should want to do what they are doing?
Do you not see that I still can support them? That my support can be unconditional?
That if a friend calls me and talk about his new ideas – I can push my own ideas about myself a bit aside and only respond to him through his world, trying to understand his world – After having raised my opinion: Agreeing with him because from his point of view he is right.
That I can trust his own judgement about himself?”
I do not understand..
Lately I have gotten a lot of “haters’ in my life.
Or – just people ( I am guessing, assuming that this is what they think based on letters I have received or comments. I do not know what is going on in others peoples heads)
“You are too much” —- “ What you are doing is wrong” — “You just want to show yourself off” —– jala jala jala….
I would lie if I told you that these kinds of respondings are not hurting me.
They very much are so. Especially when they come from someone you considered as being close to you. Even though I know the comments have their own backgrounds..
But i also have 0% lust to take comments like those to consideration: That maybe I should change.
I will never change for anyone like that.
(Unless in a companionship, with a partner – but that is a different way of changing I believe. And it first of all comes from my wish to change, not anyone else’s)
I have come to see it this way: that it still a small percentage of people in this world who are actually capable of just letting you be you and do your thing – without really understanding why necessary, but just supporting you. Loving you through it all.
This is support to me!
This is the way I would like to see us supporting each other in this world.
That is also why I like to respond to the hurtful comments I get ( I could as well just decide to not care) I do care. Because I care for changes.
Through religion, life styles, sexuality.
I will always support people who is doing what they feel is right for them.
Believing in the Gods they think are right for them – or maybe in no God?
Even if it came down to a friend on a suicide mission. I would support him. In that case I will NEVER agree to the ideas or actions. But I will listen and be there.
Who am I to know better about anyone?
Who am I to know what is best for you? The right thing for you to do?
Who are you to think you know what is best for me?
And so I told my friend this, this morning:
“If people in my life can not support me, I will show them the door. Very simple. There is only one way out. Right away. I only want people close to me who are willing to support me – like I will support them. Only.
It is hurting off course – loosing friends. I think it would be for everybody. But I also can not have people in my life who can not let me be happy. Simple”
My friend looked at me
“I think this is very selfish to say Naja!”
“No it is not” I said. “I do not think so”
To me this is called: Showing yourself respect and keeping yourself happy.
To me this is called showing the world respect. And preventing someone from dragging you down. Preventing yourself from dragging other people down.
I believe in a world where we have a higher tolerance and our eyes sees more.
Where we understand that there is a million thousands reality. But you live in one. And as long as we live in one, we can not judge like that, we can say we know better when it comes to other peoples life and happiness.
And – If we are happy – we can make each other happy. Right?
It is all kind of connected that way.
Thank you for your support of me. If you support me – I support you.
If you do not support me – I will support you anyway
This is called strength. I am strong enough to know that if you cannot just let me be me, if you have to be so mad at me for what i see as “no reasons” – I am sure you have your own insecurities.
Why else would you find yourself so upset with me just doing my own thing?
I will feel sorry for you then and I will try to help you.
We all consist of this strength. I am not different that way. I just picked it up and worked with it. You can do that too!
Show yourself the respect: Do not keep surrounding yourself with people who can not let you be happy and let you be you.
Show yourself and the world this kind of respect.
You deserve it.
You will always have my support when going for what feels right for you/ I know how hard it can be trying to go against the stream as well. And to feel alone in the process. You are not alone though. Here I am.