Whenever I show myself off to you – But I really want to tell you how lonely and empty I feel

(Photo credit: copied from google)

Lately I have been feeling extremely lonely.

The feeling came sneaking in – on one of those long dark Norwegian winter nights.

I knew it was about to happen. I knew my door was about to be knocked down –

Long before it actually happened.

I am the happiest person on earth, shinning and smiling at everything, at one day.

In a certain time space, in a certain amount of time. The next day – when I am at my highest: I turn the other direction. And then I go down. Deep deep down.

Always.

But well.

Even now, at this time I had been trying to fight the feeling up till, the pain – to not fall into the black hole again.

I danced, wrote poems, painted, decorated my room, try to talked to anyone who possible wanted to listened to me.

I just could not keep my own empty space out.

First the missing sat in.

In particular one place and one person I was missing.

Not so weird when mentioned I already felt lonely at this point.

Both things: The person I was missing and the place: two “things” that are very important to me. And worth missing.

But the “missing” grew as well. Together with the loneliness.

Everything got mixed up inside of me.

Un till the missing feeling grew stronger and stronger, till I was not able to control it anymore.

Un till my missing turned into being loneliness.

Un till it all became loneliness really inside of me – and emotions that had nothing to do with any of the things I was missing.

Un till loneliness was speaking through my missing.

Sometimes I feel like driving 200 km an hour on the highway. Knowing I am driving the wrong direction: I am aware that I am driving towards my crash.

I know I am driving towards my own fall. I simply just can not stop my car.

 

My degree of missing kept rising. And rising.

The pain started keeping me awake at night, disturbing me at work, be the first thing to take over my mind when I woke up in the morning.

It started becoming unbearable. I did not know where to be inside myself.

I become insane sometimes like this.

A feeling becomes an addiction to me, like a hobby.

A feeling. I just can not stop.

And so it went on for a while.

The worst part when this wheel starts spinning is always that I know I am on the wrong track. I really truly want to turn around, but all I am doing is watching things around me and inside of me, getting worse.

Realizing this, and watching everything falling apart without being able to feel like I can stop it, creates huge anxiety for me.

Sometimes I feel like the fly caught in the spiders net. The spider, slowly moving towards me with its hairy legs. I can not move, I can not speak. I want to scream! I know I am about to get eaten up alive. But all I can do is watch.

 

And so – all I could do was watching.

I no not know how else to explain this to you.

I am of the belief that you can control so many things in your own life.

Honestly. I am properly one of the biggest fighters for this.

But there is something going on inside me I do not know how to control.

Certain emotions I just can not. Control.

The only thing I can say.. To make you believe this, might be the fact of how physical and mentally strong I am at other times to. I know I am.

But. Something is so messed up inside of me. No matter how much I try to fight it…

Anyway.

This time I saw myself calling the person I love, up, over and over and over. Again. Writing loooong intense messages that I do not even know if I would have the energy to read myself.

At one second tell myself a love story, the next second I hated everything.

Can you imagine the chaos?

Most times I drive myself so tired before I do with anyone else. Even just writing this makes me tired.

And so, off course, as a result of my desperate way of putting my own pain on this other person – I started receiving less and less messages in return.

Only this created more anxiety in me.

And knowing – I ! – was about to kill love. “Heart pain” – actually physically pain inside my heart, hyperventilating. Panic attacks. Nights of crying.

Un till I again could here those sneaky voices inside my head saying:

“I told you. You can not be loved”

“I told you, you are always going to be left”

“ I told you, nobody can love you”

I tell you, it is not very much fun always to be me inside my head.

So now to what I wanted to tell you:

You see, when I start to feel lonely I like to read quotes on the Internet.

I like to look at pictures saying: “Don’t worry, be happy” ish on them,

Or” “Trust the universe” blablabla.

Because sometimes I think what I read is true. Most times because I don’t know what else to do with myself.

Do you understand?

Sometimes I feel like the lost child in the woods. She can not find home. For nights, for days, for years – she has tried. At one point she gives up and forces herself to forget. She forget home. She knows she will die trying in her own searching. Instead she makes a world for herself and tell herself that this is all there is. A lie. But the only “reality” she can take to be in.

And so.

What I find myself doing at times, is sharing all these quotes on Facebook fx.

Especially lately.

Just opening my Facebook, my computer, makes me feel sick.

To share and share and share…

Okay, Naja, we got it. What is this really all about?

Okay Naja – I see you. Why do you feel like forcing this on everybody else?

Why do I keep writing long messages to people I miss, call them time after time – when all I really want to say is:

“I am sorry, I make myself feel hurt inside. I wish you could give me a hug.”

Why do I do this always – We do we all do this – keep sharing, keep saying things or putting things into the world – we do not feeling, we do not mean?

I mean. Obviously to try to make ourselves feel better.

But.

Why am I not making a post saying: “I feel like shit. Could someone please give me a call or a hug?”

“I feel lonely because I have traveled the last 3 years and have always escaped the feeling of having anyone close to me”

Instead I change profile picture 917 times.

Try to make myself look like everything is perfect.

I spend more time thinking about how important it is I look interesting.

My god…

Not that my positive posts fx, always is like this to me.

Sometimes I mean them! Sometimes I am really in heaven. That is the one good thing about being me and being so emotional and ‘filterlessness’ – I feel happiness, passion and excitement very intensely, when they are there.

But not always.

This is not who I want to be.

I am sorry for spamming you with opinions, positive posts, long writings, provoking comments at times.

I do not mean it like that.

“Sorry I am lonely (as well)”.

I wish I had the courage to say this.

I try to use my strength to fight back – and by forcing positivity to find its way in. That is the way I deal with my pain. Despite the “art” I make.

I believe in.. Worshipping love and light in all the darkness, as well.

But this is just how I deal with it. This is the way I have come to find the best for me. What do you do?

Lets keep this in mind whenever we read someone’s profile on the Internet or have a friend calling over and over – even though it is ignoring.

We put a façade up all the time. They are very easy to see though actually, if we want to.

But why see through?

Why make a wall we have to look through in the first place?

Here is my mess and pain.

Because I know we all suffer from emotions like these at times.

(some more than others)

Because I am tired of pretending, because I can not.

Because I do not want to tell you lies.

I want to be honest. Lets share to each other – through honesty.

Lets love more, though these times.

And bear over with the friend who keeps calling desperate saying we are the most important person in the world – or – that he: “hate us!” – and know inside ourself that he is going through battles of his own that has nothing to do with us.

Love

Thank you

/ Narayana

Advertisements

One thought on “Whenever I show myself off to you – But I really want to tell you how lonely and empty I feel

  1. extraordinarybloke says:

    I consider myself a writer but have never been able to express myself – how I truly feel – so wonderfully as this.
    I suppose I rely on people listening to the gaps between the words. But now I feel I want to say what is really going on.
    Recently I resurrected an old blog to try and do this but, because friends read it, I still hold back, often using humour to disguise true feelings. I’m not knocking humour – I love it, it’s my stock-in-trade, I’m noted for it. But sometimes, to paraphrase Stevie Smith, I’m not waving but drowning.
    I came across your blog by chance. Thank you.

    Like

Share your thoughts...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s